from Genet to Powertool to a certain HBO series starring Chris Meloni, we love gay's in the slammer. While hetero guys make nervous jokes about emasculation and soap-on-a-rope—even going so far as employ their fears and fantasies in those old Scared Straight (and how!) shows where they tried to keep delinquent teens from enduring locked-down lives—homosexuals have created an entire mythical sex-world of brutes behind bars. How excited were you when Ashton Kutcher dropped to his knees in that spazzy Butterfly effect movie and asked his butch bunkmates if he should just suck their dicks and get it over with? Very. And don't front like you weren't.

So it's a bit of a letdown to get the real story from gays who have actually committed crimes and spent time in the joint. Not only does it sound like the lamest Not Orgy we've ever heard of, complete with claustrophobic panic attacks, boredom, Bible-reading, license plate-making and random outbursts of violence, it stays on your "permanent records" for pretty much ever.
Rad ( yes, that's a shortened version of his real name. He didn't ask for anonymity did nearly 11 months in prison for being a drug dealer. His drug of choice, as dealer and user, was crystal meth, the scourge of contemporary gay life, a poison gay culture has cute-ified with the name "Tina, ''but one that cost him nearly a year of his life. Born and raised in the San Pedro area of Los Angeles, Rad says he was "a horrible drug addict all through my twenties." He started selling drugs to pay for his own. "I had a ring of friends and we all used and I knew this one female dealer I would call when I needed dope," 'he says, "If I bought from her, she'd give me some to sell, The more that I bought, the more she gave me. I was really good with money, i wasn't out of control. She'd give me dope and told me how much she wanted for it and by what day and I was always on time. Never late. Sometimes I brought in more than she expected. I was honest and never cheated anyone. I got caught when someone snitched on me."

His first time was an eye-opener. "I was completely freaked out the first time I went to jail'' he explains. "I had no idea that, if you just told them you were gay, then they'd separate you. I was with the hardened mothetfuckers. I was horrified, but I'm not visibly gay, so I just kept my mouth shut. When I got out. my friends asked me if I went to the gay tank. The next time [I went to jail, I told them I was gay and they put me with the other homos. I was there for about two months while waiting to be sentenced. It was good there: clean, modern, state-of-the-art, everybody gay. It was almost like a Tupperware party every night. We shared stuff. We'd watch TV together. I had some realy good sex there too. They brought in this new guy, big bulging chest and tattoos, big walrus mustache, and they stuck: him in my cell. That was the absolute best."

During his Tupperware time. Rad's sentence came down: 16 months. ''That's when everything changed," he says. "They put me in a jumpsuit and shackled me from ankles to to my waist, my arms to my sides. You're on a bus to prison, and the marshals do not fuck around. They were like, If we hear a single word on this bus ride, we will stop the bus. take you outside and fracture your fucking skull.' These were big fucking men. No one said a word. I had had no fear up until i got on that bus.''

His first stop was Wasco Reception Center in Wasco, California, where he was locked down for 23 hours a day. Fifteen-minute breakfast outside the cell and twice a week yard privilege. His heavily medicated cellmate would punch the door until his knuckles bled. "I thought I would lose my mind;'" says Rad. Stop Two: Avenal State Prison in Northern California. "That was weird and degrading.' he Says. ''They put thirty of us in a room to wait for new jumpsuits. We were all of us naked for three hours. Now, they called the people you hung out with your 'car' and about five of us really bonded in that naked holding tank not sexually. None of them were gay. They were my 'car'.

In fact, by Rad's estimation, there were only four or five gay men on his yard. "Some of them were like real girls, like women. I'd wonder how they plucked their eyebrows without access to tweezers, but I learned its amazing how creative you get when you're in prison. And I never, ever had sex with any of them. With anybody. I don't even masturbate. When I was at Wasco, I jacked off almost night. If you got caught, you got in trouble. I made an agreement with what I call my higher power. If my higher power could get me through without me breaking down and freaking out, I vowed to abstain from sex while I was there.''

Instead he put his energy to work occupying the long days. Up by 7:00 a.m., breakfast at 8:00am) and a 9:00 a.m. roll call, he volunteered to mop the chapel, he played soccer, walked the yard, napped, worked more, played Monopoly and watched TV. He stayed out of trouble. Strangely enough, that was relatively easy. "They took good care of us, really. If anyone laid a hand on you, pushed you, COs [corrections officers] were on top of them. If the whistle blows or the siren sounds, your ass better hit the ground or you're getting shot with this little beanbag thing, and those motherfuckers hurt. I saw violence. I saw two people trying to kill themselves and two guys trying to kill other people. The suicide attempt was a guy who tried to hang himself. I saw a guv pull the footrest off of someone's wheelchair and crack the guy over the head with it, trying to stab him in the head with the metal part. But general, everyone behaved. Everyone had release date, a reason to behave. On a show like Oz, those guys were hardcore, lifers. What do people like that have to lose, you know?"

And through it all, interestingly, he was out. "I was totally openly gay," he explains. "I could tell guys they were hot and they couldn't do anything about it. Mostly they'd just smile. I got to shower with 20 men at once, I'd get a boner in the shower, and guys would iust laugh about it. I couldn't help it."

Not everyone lands in such an understanding position. "Louis'' (Who didn't ask for anonymity but we decided to give it to him anyway, given his not-exactly-out-of-the-closet situation} is still inside. Louis' crime was a little less mundane than Rad's drug-dealing: in 1996 he robbed a jewerly store. ''Millions of dollars'worth,''he says. Then he crossed a state line. Faster than you can spell "felonious," he was behind bars. Sentenced to four" 12-vear sentences, all running concurrently, his release date is August 2007.

Louis grew up in New York City, in both Brooklyn and the Bronx. He came from a middle-class family with whom he is still close. Of his detour into robbery he says, "I'd like to believe that I'm a fairly intelligent man. I had a lot of avenues to choose, but I took the wrong street. I have no excuses. At the time of the robbery, I was involved with organized crime. but I came to prison alone. I don't believe in snitches."

Like Rad, Louis organizes his day to make sure every minute is spent occupied "I get up around 7:00 am, I write to family and friends, I read a lot, I go to the recreation yard, I watch TV. If you stay busy time can fly" he explains. "And staying sane is what its about. I've seen guys kill themselves, go totally crazy or become recluses and sleep their time away."

He's also spent, in his words, his "share of time in the hole" for. of all things, masturbating. "I was caught in my own bunk, at midnight, in my locked cell he. says. "Having sex with yourself is illegal." 'And his punishment? "Twenty days solitary confinement, not counting the 12 day, I spent there waiting to see the Disciplinary Hearing Officer, six month loss of commissary privileges and 27 day loss of good behavior Time off my total sentence."

Staying out of trouble is a full-time job in prison, which is why Louis keep; his sexuality to himself: "Luckily I look like a tough guy. I'm 215 pounds- bald, goateed, big arms, tattoos. Most people don't guess I'm gay. They don't even ask. There are some feminine guys here, and open, homosexuals are called "Gump's". Most of them find lovers. It's the perception of being gay that keeps a lot of guvs in the closet, even though more of them 'go' [have sex. with other men] than wound admit to it. You get ridiculed, harassed by staff and, if you're not a physically, intimidating guy, put in possibly dangerous situations. Rapes are actuallv rare, but violence isn't. Why create more stress?"

Eventually Louis will be back out in the world, and when he gets there, he has a pretty good idea as to how he wants to make a living—as a robbery-prevention specialist. Who better, really, than a professional thief to help businesses learn to protect themselves? And he's surprisingly upbeat about his current situation. "I have no regrets, really," he says. "Its a wasted emotion. Of course I would do things differently. if I could, hut I also believe that all the good and bad we do in our lives makes us who we are. It took prison for me to understand who I am. It might sound crazy coming from someone behind bars. But I'm a happy man."

Rad is happy too. He's out working a regular job and staying away from crystal meth. And strangeyly enough, he saw his prison commitment to celibacy pay off in an unexpected way. "Well, I had crushes on a couple of my friends inside."he says. ''One was bisexual. The other was straight. I finally had sex with them. separately, after we all got out. The straight guy was just sort of being nice to me because he knew I thought he was hot. We did it once, and I never saw him again after that. The bisexual guy and I ended up hooking up several times, but then he started using drugs again. When that happened, he cut off contact with me. because he knew I was clean. April 7, 1997, was the last time I did crystal meth. I never touched it again. I carry mv discharge card proudly now. Parole over."