Coming out is your decision and yours alone by Jhune :)

Twenty-four-year-old Peter (not his real name) is a handsome bloke any woman would be attracted to. He’s almost five feet ten inches tall and has a well-built body, a result of constant visits to the gym. He’s working at Abercrombie & Fitch San Francisco  as Branch Manager. He enjoys his work immensely and is very respected by his peers. But beneath this pretense is a lonely man longing for acceptance for what he really is. Deep inside, Peter knows that he can never fall in love with a woman for one big reason: he is a certified closet queen.  

And Peter is not alone. Thousands of gay men are still hiding in the closet. They fear that they will lose respect from their parents and friends. Some even think that their coming out may cost them their job. intruging
Even at an early age, Peter has already come to terms with his sexual orientation and has attempted several times to inform his parents, officemates and friends that he is gay. But every time he tried to do so, he just couldn’t. He didn’t know how to tell them.

 

Telling your parents

OutProud, a US-based gay organization, says that there are six stages parents usually go through whenever their son or daughter comes out to tell them his or her sexual orientation: shock, denial, guilt, expression of feelings, personal decision-making, and true acceptance. But the group cautions, “Each family is unique. Although most are likely to follow the stages . . . allow some latitude for your own parents.” OutProud says that when you tell your parents that you are gay, there is a reversal of roles: you become the “parent” by “allowing them to express their feelings and make progress toward new insights.” And this isn’t easy. Your goal is for them to understand what you just said, sometimes repeating over and over again. “Their understanding will evolve slowly—painfully slowly—at the beginning. Their emotional reactions will get in the way of their intellectual understandings.” Just be patient by allowing your parents time and space to come to terms with your sexuality. Families, OutProud says, “take the news as a temporary loss—almost as a death—of the son or daughter they have known and loved.” At the first stage of the process, parents will feel shocked when they learn the news for the first time. OutProud advises that you should “explain that you haven’t been able to be completely honest with them and you don’t like the distance that has occurred over the years.” You should also “remind them that you are the same person today that you were yesterday.” But then again, there are some parents who will not be shocked at the revelation at all as they have already known your sexuality contrary to what you assumed.

 

Denial 

Parents, OutProud says, will repudiate what you just said to them by manifesting any of the following responses: hostility (“No son or daughter of mine will be gay!”), non-registering (That’s nice, dear, what do you want for dinner?”), non-caring (“If you choose that lifestyle, I don’t want to hear about it.”), or rejection (“It’s just a phase; you’ll get over it.”). Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays Inc. (PFLAG), a support, education and advocacy organization representing about 30,000 families in the United States, says that “being gay, lesbian, or bisexual is a normal and healthy way to be. It’s one more part of who you are—like being tall or short, or black or white or Asian or Latino.” PFLAG advises any gay can come out “only if you want to, and only when you’re ready. Don’t come out just because someone else thinks you should.” It is a personal decision to come out. PFLAG is aware of the risks of doing so and thus understands why many gays decide not to come out. 
“There are people who won’t accept you if you’re gay, people who will do and say terrible things. They could be your parents or your friends or your classmates or your teachers, people you love or depend on for financial help, companionship, encouragement or other (forms of) support.” But there are valid reasons why you should come out. “Hiding your sexual orientation keeps the important people in your life from knowing a big part of you. Hiding who you are keeps your relationships from being real.” The decision to come out is up to you and you alone. But before you come out of the closet, you should be certain about who you are. 

 

Here are some questions to ask yourself before you come out, according to OutProud:

Are you sure about your sexual orientation? Don’t raise the issue unless you’re able to respond with confidence to the question, “Are you sure?” Confusion on your part will increase your parents’ confusion and decrease their confidence in your judgment. 

Are you comfortable with your gay sexuality? If you’re wrestling with guilt and periods of depression, you’ll be better off waiting to tell your parents. Coming out to them may require tremendous energy on your part; it will require a reserve of positive self-image. 

Coming out is your decision and yours alone? Do you have support? In the event your parents’ reaction devastates you, there should be someone or a group that you can confidently turn to for emotional support and strength. Maintaining your sense of self-worth is critical. 

Are you knowledgeable about homosexuality? Your parents will probably respond, based on a lifetime of information, from a homophobic society. If you’ve done some serious reading on the subject, you’ll be able to assist them by sharing reliable information and research. 

What’s the emotional climate at home? If you have the choice of when to tell, consider the timing. Choose a time when they’re not dealing with such matters as the death of a close friend, pending surgery, or the loss of a job. 

Can you be patient? Your parents will require time to deal with this information if they haven’t considered it prior to your sharing. The process may last from six months to two years.  

What’s your motive for coming out now? Hopefully, it is because you love them and are uncomfortable with the distance you feel. Never come out in anger or during an argument, using your sexuality as a weapon. 

Do you have available resources? Homosexuality is a subject most non-gay people know little about. Have available at least one of the following: a book addressed to parents, a contact for the local or national Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, the name of a non-gay counselor who can deal fairly with the issue.
 
Are you financially dependent on your parents? If you suspect they are capable of withdrawing college finances or forcing you out of the house, you may choose to wait until they do not have this weapon to hold over you. 
 
What is your general relationship with your parents? If you’ve gotten along well and have always known their love—and shared your love for them in return—chances are they’ll be able to deal with the issue in a positive way.  

What is their moral societal view? If they tend to see social issues in clear terms of good/bad or holy/sinful, you may anticipate that they will have serious problems dealing with your sexuality. If, however, they’ve evidenced a degree of flexibility when dealing with other changing societal matters, you may be able to anticipate a willingness to work this through with you.  

Is this your decision? Not everyone should come out to his or her parents. Don’t be pressured into it if you’re not sure you’ll be better off by doing so—no matter what their response.